Friday Potpourri

Notre Dame's TV money may no longer be a hurdle in joining the Big Ten.

For you iPhone users, a list of 100+ new features in iPhone 3.0.

A bad ass sketch of what Memorial Stadium was originally supposed to look like.

Good Will Leitch (Deadspin) article on how the Cardinals could lose Pujols. DPTOTI prediction, Cubs use Derrek Lee money to sign Pujols away from the Cardinals.

Two Nebraska wrestlers did gay porn? Get out of town.

Hilarious review of the Ford Fiesta -


Joe Buck's first show goes horribly, horribly wrong -


Shawn Johnson euthanized -


Every week on Entourage -

Watch Every Week on Entourage and more funny videos on CollegeHumor

A Gene for All Seasons

The editors of DPTOTI would like to welcome another guest blogger, Jacob.

While now he may be best known as a rising jurist at a prestigious southern university and international advocate for human rights, there was a time when Gene was just another freshman in the dorms at U of I. This was many of ours’ first introduction to Gene: tall, in-shape (!), an insatiable appetite for larger women, and a comically low tolerance for alcohol. Keen historian that I am, I knew that this was a Gene that I had to preserve for future generations. So as I was browsing through my old college files the other week, I came across a collection of quotes that I wrote down freshman year for later amusement. So sit back and crack open a can of 100% genuine cold-filtered Gene:

Gene on cutlery:

“There are people who say you can live without three types of cleavers. I’ve never been one of these people.”

Gene on geography:

“You’re looking at that topographic map of Illinois like most guys look at porn.”

Gene on bowel movements:

“I hate when you take a really watery shit, no matter how hard you wipe, a little always drips out at the end.”

“Dude, can I have the Silly Putty back? I gotta take a shit and I need something to play with.”

Gene on faith:

“If video games were a religion, I’d be the Dalai Lama.”

Gene on video games:

“It’s pretty obvious the makers of the game had a pro-Pikachu agenda from day one.”

Gene on first aid:

“Neosporin is for pussies. Why can’t my white blood cells do the job? I have faith in my boys.”

Gene on family:

“I heard my mom is a demon in the sack.”

“If she weren’t my sister, I’d have to think about it [doing his sister].”

Gene on writing utensils:

“Dr. Grips have really gone downhill in the last few years. Have you guys noticed that?”

Gene on homelessness:

“I wouldn’t really mind being a hobo. As long as I would have food and stuff.”

Gene on public service:

“I kind of want to be President just so I can find out if there are really aliens. The leadership part, whatever.”

Gene on romance:

"Having sex with a fat chick is like an adventure. Is that a vagina or a roll of flab?"

Why Vanderbilt Should Join the Big Ten and How to Fix the Rest of the BCS

Every few months a national columnist writes an article on how they would reshape the Big Ten and rest of the BCS. They all sound good in theory but when you start to really look at the consequences the plans fall apart. Not so with my plan.

Decree #1: Vanderbilt leaves the SEC and joins the Big Ten.
- Vanderbilt is a top notch academic school and they don't cheat. The same can not be said of any other SEC school. Vanderbilt also has a large national alumnae base with many said alumnae located in major cities like Chicago and New York. Vanderbilt's addition would allow for a Big Ten Championship to be played yearly at Lucas Oil Stadium.

Decree #2: Memphis joins the SEC.
-Memphis is a crappy school and they cheat. Come on down! You're the next contestant on the SEC!

Decree #3: The regular season champions from the Mountain West Conference and WAC play in a "championship game" with an automatic spot in the BCS on the line.
-This way the Utah's, Boise St's. and Hawaii's of the world can quit their bitching and stop with the annoying anti-trust law suits.

And there you have it. I fixed the BCS with three simple decrees.

Obama, Cars, and You by "T"

This is a guest blog by a good friend "T". The editors of DPTOTI hope you enjoy.

At the request of Tom, he expressed desire that I join in his initial quasi-rant on the blog regarding the Obama auto emissions standard that he adopted last month. We proceeded to get into a decent conversation regarding the issue, and I believe I made it fairly clear that the new standard had its pros and cons.

Here's the basics. The government is going to require that automakers selling cars in the United States will be required to have an average mpg of 35.5 by the year 2016. According to the Bureau of Transportation Statistics (yes, a branch of the USDOT), the average new car mpg in 1980 for a passenger car was 24.3. In 2008, that number was 31.2, a 28% increase from 1980. Now, to get to 35.5 by 2016, the US auto industry must increase it by nearly 14% in the next 7 years. The numbers don't lie... time is not on our side.

However, from a business point of view, the car manufacturers embraced the new numbers, maybe to entice a whole new breed of competition over the next 7 years or because majority of the technology is already present and they have heard that the number is fairly feasible. The EPA says that the average cost increase will only be about $600 by 2016, where others say that number may be up in the $1500 area, a significant amount even considering 5 years of fuel savings. Those mpg numbers I show are only representative of the passenger car, where the light truck average for 2008 was only 23.4. Averaging that with the passenger car number gives an mpg of 27.3. That number is downright scary. A few things have to happen/are already happening:

1) A reduction in V8 Engines -- By 2016, it appears that some V6 engines may be more powerful than the V8s are now. If you don't need a V8, why pay the extra money for it unless you need it as a diesel or for commercial purposes.
2) A possible cap and trade market with car emissions -- This would increase the pressure for auto makers to keep that number rising.
3) Dual-clutch transmission expansion -- Would reduce losses between the engine and transmission between gears
4) Turbochargers -- As a proud owner of one... who wouldn't be fond of a change like that?
5) Reduction of powertrain losses -- Any help to increase the efficiency of hybrids

There is already a significant drop in the sales of full-sized SUV's over the past few years, so that certainly helps. And, as of right now, the credits for E85 are only extended through 2015, so that may not be the route to go either. One could also argue that the amount of additional infrastructure to increase ethanol production here in the U.S. is not feasible in comparison to other technologies. Hydrogen fuel cell development from electricity and/or natural gas may cause some infrastructure problems as well. The energy infrastructure problem would be a whole other monster to tackle. I could go on and on about this, but I do believe that if people want their big ass bruiser just to have one... by all means. Just be ready to pay for it at the dealer, and at the pump. We are going the "european route" to an extent, but I don't think we will ever really get there. The technology will be able to reduce the emissions and oil dependence significantly. Now we just need China to get on board...

Friday Potpourri

David Carradine's lawyer thinks ninjas were involved...yes seriously.

TOTUS -

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Zach Morris is back -


Chad Ochocinco, moron extraordinaire, says Carson Palmer and he will be "like Brokeback."

WGN reporter makes kid cry, notice the kid is wearing Sox stuff -


Frank, Mac, and Charlie -


I love Bruce Willis but this is indefensible -

Random Musings

- I loathe all of the "Coexist" bumper stickers. Seriously, this is America, we coexist better than any other country in the world. Why don't you go take your Toyota Prius and your Coexist bumper sticker for a cruise around Baghdad and see how that goes.

- What is the correct protocol for a friend who is outside your house and has to puke? Last weekend a good friend dropped me off in the morning after a night of drinking and needed to "call Ralph on the big phone." He proceeded to puke in bush but it got me to thinking about what exactly I should have done. Your thoughts?

- Why hasn't there been a reality series or special pitting the degenerates from I Love New York and Flavor of Love against the ingrates of the Real World and Road Rules Challenges? MTV and VH1 are owned by the same company, these people will already do anything for money, and people would watch. What am I missing here?

- Speaking of MTV, you have to admit they got it right with dumping music videos and going to reality TV. If you want to watch a music video you log onto Youtube. I wonder if newspapers would be in better shape if they had been run by the MTV people......did I really just type that?

People Who Shouldn't Be Allowed To Vote

James Harrison - Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker and Super Bowl MVP, Harrison recently checked his infant son out of the hospital because he was bitten in the face by the family pit bull. Here's the deal, getting a pit bull is stupid in general but when you get one when you have a infant you should no longer be allowed to vote.

People who own snakes - The only reason to own a snake is to watch it eat. So basically you are investing hundreds of dollars in order to watch a giant snake eat harmless rodents and critters? Has a hot girl ever told her friends, "Yeah Jason is a great guy and he owns a pet snake!" Sexual innuendos aside, the answer is no. People who get off on watching mice die should not be allowed to vote.

Congress* - While shopping at Costco yesterday I saw a 24 pack of bottled, old fashioned Coke. Needless to say I pounced on that faster than Tony LaRussa seeing a new pair of blue blockers. In case you didn't know, Coke and Pepsi were forced to switch from sugar to high fructose corn syrup because Congress passed regulations on the amount of imported sugar. So while the rest of the world drinks sweet delicious sugar coke we are getting shafted with corn. No sugar, no vote.

Whoever decided that we need to hold the shift key to use a ? - Seriously? I can't remember the last time I used /, to mention the other five or so keys that get special treatment. On that note, why the hell is ! above the number 1 key? How we haven't updated the keyboard over the last 25 years is really a pathetic failure of the human race.

*Ron Paul excluded because he agrees with me.

I made food, and so can you!

So I've decided that I'm going to try to cook one thing a week from now on (like a legit meal), and I'll post what I made and if it tasted good or totally sucked balls. Anyone who knows me, knows that I pretty much have never cooked a real meal in my life, so if I can do it, so can you.

**Also, if anyone has a recipe that they haven't tried but want to know if it's good, I'll try to make it and then you know how it tastes.**

I know that Tom likes to cook as well and fancies himself quite the chef so I'm sure he'll chime in too. Here's what I made last week. It was pretty good. For a side, I made some mashed potatoes from scratch as well. I forgot to make a vegetable, but I imagine that pretty much any veggie would have tasted fine.

High heat roasting keeps this coconut-infused red snapper moist and flavorful. Dijon mustard and lime juice combine to make a piquant sauce.

Coconut Lime Fillets

1 large egg, beaten
1/3 cup coconut milk
3/4 cup fine bread crumbs
1/2 cup flaked unsweetened coconut (**I used sweetened coconut and it was still good**)
1 teaspoon finely grated lime peel
4 red snapper fillets (**My fillets were about 6 oz.**)
1/4 cup reduced-calorie mayonnaise
2 teaspoons Dijon mustard
2 tablespoons lime juice

(1) Preheat oven to 450°F. Lightly grease a baking sheet.
(2) Combine egg and coconut milk in a shallow dish. Combine bread crumbs, coconut and lime peel in another shallow dish. Dip fillets in egg mixture, then dredge in coconut mixture. Arrange fillets on prepared baking sheet. Bake for 15 minutes (**probably more like 15-20 minutes**), or until fish flakes easily with a fork.
(3) Meanwhile, whisk mayonnaise, mustard and lime juice in a small bowl. Serve alongside fish.

Makes 4 servings.

Nutrition per serving: Calories 313 Fat 18.6g Sat. Fat 11.04g Protein 27.16g Cholesterol 95.40mg Sodium 288.5mg

Overall, pretty healthy and delicious. Bon Appétit.

Until Next Time,

-M-

People Who Shouldn't Be Allowed To Vote

Tony LaRussa - In case you missed it, Tony is suing twitter because someone created a fake twitter account using his name and picture. The user then posted tweets (is that grammatically correct?) "Lost 2 out of 3, but we made it out of Chicago without one drunk driving incident or dead pitcher... I'd call that an I-55 series." Look Tony, you wear sunglasses at night and take drunk naps at intersections. Not to mention you are the biggest steroid peddler of this or any generation. I had so many reasons before to not allow you to vote, but suing twitter is a new low, or is it high?

People who complain about the University of Illinois "I list" - Like sands through the hourglass, so is a yearly Tribune story on some one's kid not getting into U of I. The so called "I list" amounts to 100 kids whose ACT score is .6 lower than the average student getting "preferential treatment." By preferential treatment I mean they have an 8% better chance of getting in. Mind you their ACT average is devoid of students who score 33 or higher on the ACT because those kids aren't going to need help getting in. Secondly, this "I list" pails in comparison to private schools like Notre Dame, Chicago, or Northwestern. And look at those schools, people donate buildings and pizza and the University benefits greatly as a whole. What's next? People getting jobs because they know someone at the company? Shocking.

Memphis and Kentucky fans - These delusional fan bases are both expressing outrage that people would consider John Calipari a sleazy coach. At UMASS Calipari's Final Four was voided because Marcus Camby was taking money from agents but Calipari knew nothing about it. So i Guess he just ignored Camby's nicer car, apartment, and clothes? Then at Memphis he had Derrick Rose's brother getting flown around on a team jet and staying in hotels with the team. Oh and two of his players faked their SAT's but again he denied all knowledge of that. So if he's not sleazy he's unworldly incompetent?

David Carradine - Better known as Bill from "Kill Bill" David was found hanging in a Bangkok hotel room with a chord wrapped around his genitals. If you go out like that, no vote.

"M" - As many of you know "M" just graduated college and took his last CPA exam. So upon arriving at home and leaving a town with 20,000 girls his age he decided to shave his hideous beard, start running, and started to learn how to cook. I don't even know where to start, but I do know that stupidity of this degree voids all voting privileges.

Friday Potpourri Extravanganza

- awesome t-shirt I saw today:

- every year you see a story about a valedictorian's speech being censored, this is the first one of note. Pretty solid speech.

- Halo Reach: you knew Master Chief would be back.


- Assassin's Creed 2 trailer: the graphics in this clip are simply stunning.


- Total Eclipse of the Heart (literal version): Instantly one of my favorite youtube videos of all time.


- Pale Blue Dot: This video is old but its worth a look.


- Canadian PSA: worst commercial ever. WARNING not for the faint of heart.


- Nick Cage punching a chick while wearing a bear suit: need I say more?

The 10 Best Video Games of the Ought's (2000's)

The games listed below are strictly my favorite video games of the last five years. Missing from the list are MMORPGs, RPGs, and PS2 & PS3 exclusives because I don't play RPGs and I don't own a playstation.

Honorable Mention -

- Tony Hawk Pro Skater (N64): HORSE games with friends were a right of passage during the 2000 summer.

- Rock Band (360): Probably the only game on this list that the female readers have played.

- Virtua Tennis (Dreamcast): Still my favorite game from the most underrated system.

- Super Mario Galaxy (Wii): Good platform game but lacks multi player for extended replay value.

#10 - Bioshock (360)
Simply put, Bioshock has the best campaign mode of any game this decade. Combining a first person shooter with Ayn Rand principles leads to a deep and enthralling story.

#9 - Shogun: Total War (PC)
Outside of Red Alert, this is my most played real time strategy game. Shogun: Total War takes place in 16th century Japan where 8 different war lords are battling for control of the island nation. Each war lord has a specific advantage on both the battlefield and in unit production. What made the game especially deep was it's historical accuracy. You interact with Western European countries, Christian missionaries, and Western weapons; guns. If you are ever bored and have $10 I recommend running to your local Gamestop and start your quest to be Shogun.

#8 - Halo Wars (360)
I have to admit that this pick is a reach and might backfire on me in a couple of years but screw it. I have only owned this game for a few short months but it has instantly become one of my favorite games on Xbox 360. Halo Wars is the first RTS (Real Time Strategy) game to be built solely for the console. Ensemble Studios did an incredible job of keeping the controls simple while not dumbing down the game.

#7 - MVP Baseball 2004 (Xbox)
EA's last professional baseball game is still the best that's ever been made. MVP's controls are mapped extremely well and the game play flows perfectly. Pitching and hitting mechanics are easy to learn but also very deep. One of my fondest memories of freshman year is my no hitter against Greg in game 7 of the "World Series", thrown by Kerry Wood of course.

#6 - Gears of War (360)
Gears of War was the first true next generation game. The graphics are still a benchmark for current games while also containing one of the better story lines in video game history.

#5 - Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (Multi-platform)
What separates Vice City from other Grand Theft Auto games is look and sound of the game. Taking place in the 1980's, Rock Star studios uses hits like Billie Jean to really immerse the player in the culture of Vice City. Just a fantastic game.

#4 - Super Smash Brothers Melee (GQ)
This game can be summed up by a good friend and former roommate, "Oh what a surprise you pick the juggernaut, I mean Samus. He has a travelling smash attack that crosses the entire level." Can anyone guess who this is?

#3 - Halo 3 (360)
Two years after its release Halo 3 is still the most popular game on xbox live. Besides having a lengthy campaign, Halo 3's multi player options provide a virtually endless replay value. With the ability to edit maps, game types, and highlight reels Halo 3 is a standard to which any multi player game must be measured.

#2 - Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare
Activision's first step out pf WW2 resulted in one of the greatest video games of this or any generation. Call of Duty 4 plays at a dizzying 60 frames per second and does so without any glitches or lag. Call of Duty 4 is a marvel both visually and technically.

#1 - Halo: Combat Evolved (Xbox)
Not a whole lot needs to be said about the greatest FPS of all time. Halo revolutionized not only first person shooters but also multi player games in general. Some of the best times of my freshman year were spent playing pre-dinner capture the flag games against my G4 hall mates.

200

Yes that's right, this is the 200th post of Don't Put That on The Internet.

Rather than look back on our hits (People Who Shouldn't Be Allowed to Vote & Misc. Experiences Whilst at Home) and misses (journalism grads from Illinois and NU) I want to ask you our loyal readers what can we do better?

Does the blog need a female voice?

Is the website too long?

Do you want more tv, movie, and music reviews?

Should Tim be kicked off the blog?

Please use the comment section to answer any of these and feel free to give your own constructive and nonconstructive criticism.

TV (need I say more?)

Being back at home, I’ve been watching a decent amount of TV again. And yes, my family still doesn’t have cable. As a result, I’ve been watching some “awesome” new summer shows with my Mom. I thought I’d give a quick recap about some of them for you. Don’t judge me based on these shows.

Help I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here

A bunch of washed up C-level or below celebrities are taken into the jungle of Costa Rica and forced to “rough it out” there. I use quote here because they have hammocks, sweet sleeping bags, and pop-up beds to sleep on. We should all be so lucky when we camp for recreational purposes. The audience is able to vote on what certain tasks that the celebrities will have to perform to avoid going home. Basically, it’s like camping. Really, the dumbass conversations are the most entertaining part of the show. Here’s a quick rundown of the some of the characters and convos had:

Mrs. Patti Blagojevich– She slips and floats down a river for a little while at the beginning of the episode. Her only other contribution is a bitch-fest rant about how “they made a big hoopla out of something that wasn’t even true” and how her husband (Rod Blagojevich) has been treated unfairly and impeached on totally made up and unsubstantiated claims, from which he was unable to defend himself. Of course, her derelict co-stars completely support her and hang on her every word. Her stupidity is only topped by Spencer Pratt’s (douche from The Hills) profound and consoling words of “the truth always wins, that’s the most powerful thing in the world”. This brings me to…

The Hills Douche Bags – Spencer and Heidi Pratt have to be 2 of the most annoying people alive. They ask to go home from the show literally within hours of arriving in Costa Rica, but end up staying. I’m sure it’s all just a ploy for more attention and pity from the group. Spencer gets upset because Torrie Wilson (ex-professional WCW female wrestler) makes fun of all the hair product shit that Heidi brought. He flips shit, yelling at everyone and then proceeds to hide Torrie’s backpack in the jungle and make her look for it. Seriously, this guy’s a 5 year old. One last thing about him, he tells Stephen Baldwin that he’s a black belt in martial arts and isn’t afraid of anyone, which isn’t impressing anyone. I’ll make my comment on Heidi quick. She says, “That being in the jungle living like they are is like torture”, followed up by, “we should do this to al-Qaida”. I’m pretty sure that al-Qaida would be absolutely relieved to live like these celebrities are, as opposed to hiding and running for their lives in the hot-ass desert all the time.

John Salley – What happened to you man? What are you doing on this show? You were a professional basketball player. Seriously, get it together.

Stephen Baldwin – I heard you were on the apprentice and now on this show. Can you say a revitalization of this guy’s career? I haven’t seen him since that sky diving robbery film (Cutaway), or his other smash hit Bio-Dome. Both excellent films by the way. You seem somewhat normal, for a celebrity, so I won’t say anything bad about you.

The rest of the people are a bunch of nobodies but here they are anyway: Janice Dickinson, Lou Diamond Phillips, Sanjaya Malakar, Torrie Wilson, Frangela (2 fat unfunny women comedians that combined their names and no one has ever heard of).

The Bachelorette 5

Nothing really to say about this show except that Jillian Harris (the bachelorette) is pretty good looking. By good looking, I mean hot, but not celebrity hot. Also, this total meathead-psycho, David, freaked out about how this one guy, Juan, was fake and not friends with all of the other guys in the house. The whole issue started because Juan faked taking a shot with everyone else and pretended to choke on the bad taste. While this is a total bitch-face move on his part and I do agree with David, I certainly wouldn’t freak out over it and wouldn’t want to come across as just another brain moron on a reality show that gets pissed off because others aren’t “real” enough on the show. Other than that, the show’s just a couple of Turd Fergusons trying to play the guitar and become famous through the show. LAME!

The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien

Conan is back and hasn’t lost a step! While Tom thinks that Conan will not last 1 year in his new time slot (10:30-11:30pm on NBC), I disagree. After seeing last night’s show, Conan was on his game and is here to stay. It was classic Conan humor at its best and it killed. In addition to having an awesome first guest and band, Will Farrell and Pearl Jam, Conan kept the zany humor and inanimate guest characters going, like “the letter D” from the Hollywood sign. Also, I was pleasantly surprise to see “the string dance”, for you Conan followers out there. My hope is that he is not pressured to deviate from his wacky humor that brought him success on Late Night with Conan O’Brien. Finally, the addition of Conan’s sidekick, Andy Richter, was a great idea. He already poops on David Letterman’s side-tumor, Paul Shaffer. Conan and Andy, being longtime friends and working together on Late Night with Conan O’Brien, pick up right where they left off and seem to play well off of each other. Tonight’s guests are Tom Hanks and Green Day. Be sure to check out the next big thing on late night TV.

Until Next Time,

-M-

Random Musings: Commencement Speeches Edition

- At my sister's graduation Judy Woodruff, of CNN and PBS, talked on a myriad of topics ranging from the economy to women in the workplace. One topic she touched on was how she felt that although many pundits consider young people entitled, she disagreed. Here's the deal, we are entitled but I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing. Young people today not only expect to have information, news, and media at their fingertips, they demand it. A sense of entitlement has lead to Google, YouTube, and Wolfram Alpha being created. The founders of those companies wanted information and videos faster and spawned some of the most successful modern day companies.

- Michelle Obama spoke at California Merced, yeah I never heard of it either. I just heard a few highlights but the main idea of her speech was for young people to give back and volunteer. Here's the deal Michelle, since only about 20% of us graduating seniors have jobs lined up, why don't those with money and jobs pitch in while we find some work. We have spent the last 16+ years of our life learning and training for a potential job and you want us help others get jobs? GTFO.

- Now on to the big guy, President Obama. Overall I thought the speech was pretty good. He talked about himself a little too much and even plugged his own book, very weak, but overall the speech was well delivered and had a good theme. I did especially like and dislike the part in which he asked that each side of the abortion debate refrain from depicting the other side as caricatures and that the issue is equally important to both sides. I agree that each side has demonized and caricatured the other as either Evangelical loonies or socialist baby hating liberals. However, I have to disagree about the importance of the issue to each side.

If the pro life side loses, 2 million abortions are performed a year, a pretty steep loss. If the pro choice side loses, women lose the right to abort their "parasites." For arguments sake I will agree with the pro choice side and say that having an abortion is a right. I would then ask them, would you be willing to give up a right so that someone else may live? I'd love to hear their answer.

Anyways, between the protests, media coverage, and abortion debate the event as a whole was in my opinion a total and complete failure. Graduations are supposed to be about the graduates and not abortion, protests, and media coverage. Lost in the whole event was that some 3,000 students were there to receive degrees for their hard work and dedication. President Obama and the issue of abortion trumped why he was there in the first place.

Friday Potpourri: Movie and Video Game Edition

Due to studying I was unable to find as many people interest stories as I normally do. So here are some cool movie and video game trailers.

Terminator Salvation -


The Road (book by Cormac McCarthy) -


Punchout for Wii -


Modern Warfare 2 -


And more Modern Warfare 2 -

Undercover Hotties

With help from "M" and a fan of the NCAA Hockey runner-ups, I present this week's
Undercover Hotties.

Abby Elliot

Miss Elliot is currently a temporary cast member of SNL. Her best moments of this season have been her impersonations of Angelina Jolie and Rachel Maddow. She is also battling Kristen Wiig as the hottest female cast member of all time.

January Jones


January Jones first shot a "thrill up our leg" as the hot sister Cadence in American Wedding. She currently stars as Betty Draper in the best show on television, Mad Men.

Ellie Kemper


Ellie currently stars as Erin, the new secretary on The Office. Although I find her cute/spunky, she would not be on my list of Undercover Hotties. The person who asked for her to be on this list likes red heads...that should be enough for you to know.

Swine Flu (I Hardly Knew Thee)

I'll just make this quick as I have to get back to studying here, but WTF is the deal with this Swine Flu shit?!

This is the email I just got from the The Office of the Chancellor here at the University of Illinois, Urbana:

"Because of ongoing concerns about the possibility of spreading the fluvirus, students receiving degrees and their families should not shakehands at Commencement if they have symptoms of an upper respiratoryinfection such as fever and cough.

McKinley Health Center will provide hand sanitizer on the platform at theAssembly Hall ceremonies so that graduates can, if they wish, use itbefore and/or after receiving their degrees. Members of the officialplatform party also are encouraged to use the hand sanitizer provided. Everyone is encouraged to observe the other guidelines to reduce the riskof infection, such as covering coughs and sneezes; avoiding touching eyes,mouth and nose; and washing hands frequently.

Robert D. Palinkas, M.D."

Here are some statistics that I found online on Swine Flu vs. Regular Influenza:

Swine Flu:

"There are 2532 cases and 3 deaths of Swine Flu or Pig Flu as of May 10 2009 in the USA."

-Source: http://pigflu.com/content/h1n1-swine-flu-statistics-united-states

Reglular Flu:

During week 17 (April 26 - May 2, 2009), One thousand eight hundred ninety-two (13.2%) specimens tested by U.S. World Health Organization (WHO) and National Respiratory and Enteric Virus Surveillance System (NREVSS) collaborating laboratories and reported to CDC/Influenza Division were positive for influenza.

Also, 55 pediatric deaths were reported as of the week 15 ending April 18, 2009.

-Source: http://www.cdc.gov/flu/weekly/weeklyarchives2008-2009/weekly15.htm

Seriously people, stop buying into the hype!

Until next time,

-M-

Don't Put That On Twitter

No, I am not starting a Twitter account and neither will this site. That is unless of course it would make me a lot of money but that isn't likely to happen.

Instead I am going to randomly check famous people's Twitter accounts and than mock them. Yes I know, very mature.

First up is Pete Carroll,

"AWESOME NEWS!! RT @ABetterLA LAPD Chief Bratton says today that homicides in LA are down 31%"

That would be good news if a 31% drop meant that there were 0 murders. Look Pete, your campus is in a crappy area of LA, your students make Notre Dame kids look like Oliver Twist, and you have the hair of a Westminster Dog Show Poodle so lets try and celebrate something other than your absurdly high murder rate being lower pre-summer.

Next up is Indiana basketball coach Tom Crean,

"I just saw Jordan Hulls at Asrembly Hall. It feels great to know he is a Hoosier. He was going to hook up with Jeremiah Rivers."

Hey Tom, I know Indiana residents don't bat an eye at guy on guy action but Twitter is a national thing so lets keep comments like that to yourself.

And finally, Heidi Montag

"i LOVE shooting guns!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Knowing that Heidi Montag owns and knows how to shoot a gun is so frightening that I may never return to California. Seriously, that is some scary stuff.

That's Politics Bitch

- Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner admitted this week that out monetary policy was "too loose too long." This is news because Geithner, a former Fed Bank vice chairman, is conceding that the Fed was partly responsible for our current economic problems. Alan Greenspan and Ben Bernanke have both denied any responsibility up to this point and will continue to deny to their graves. My guy, Ron Paul, was one of the first to point our loose monetary policy but was flatly ignored because he made too much sense.

- As one of probably 3 people in the world who listens to Rush Limbaugh and watches Real Time with Bill Maher it allows me the ability to paint a picture, albeit broad picture of each political side.

First the GOP:
- Global warming is a hoax and it was started by hippies to punish greedy corporations.
- The term "mainstream media" is code for don't trust anything other than Fox News.
- If given the chance Obama will give African-Americans reparations.
- Obama wants to takeaway assault rifles so it's easier for his socialist storm troopers to take over dissenters.

Now the Dems:
- Believing in God is for morons.
- Marriage is for morons and if you get married its ok to cheat on your wife.
- Pouring water on terrorist's faces is a way worse message to send the world than 2 million abortions.
- Corporations should act like human beings.

- Just a quick note on Notre Dame and Obama; Notre Dame should have waited two years. By that time the fervor over Obama taking office and turning over abortion laws will have died down.

Friday Potpourri

- An update to the Jon and Kate Plus Eight scandal, apparently Jon is denying he cheated on his wife and Kate is still emasculating Jon.

- Jason Whitlock takes Selena Roberts to task on her A-Rod book. I was previously unaware she was the dumbass columnist who was all over the Duke lacrosse players but was then no where to be found when they were exonerated.

- Bookmark this website now: Wolfram Alpha. Wolfram Alpha is a new research/search website that is reportedly able to answer questions like "The Cubs attendance growth relative to US population growth" and other less important questions. Wolfram basically answers questions, often by doing complex, and new computations.

- This kid is my hero.

- This is my personal favorite story of the week. Afghanistan quarantines countries only pig.

- Whether or not you believe in global warming or not, I think we caught a break.

- Trekkies mad as hell because new Star Trek movie is good?

Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable'

- A must buy for all you lake house people.

Watch JetLev Water Jet Pack and more funny videos on CollegeHumor

- Stephen Curry will be taking his rapping to an NBA city near you!


- Note to self, never play pickup basketball in Ron Artest's hometown.


- This summer's Cloverfield?

The 10 Best Songs of the Oughts (2000s)

First of all this is my list. The songs on here reflect both my taste and a songs impact on the general population. Not to be overlooked was how much certain songs would perturb Fig and O'Brien.

Honorable mention -
Underdog by Spoon
Fans by Kings of Leon
Float On by Modest Mouse
First Breath After Coma by Explosions in the Sky
Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand
Knights of Cydonia by Muse

#10 - A-Punk by Vampire Weekend

Besides being my favorite song to wake up to, write to, and drive to, A-Punk is structurally perfect which is impressive considering it's a little over 2 minutes long.

#9 - Feel Good Inc. by Gorillaz

Feel Good Inc. checks in at #9 because of its ability to be played at almost any situation. It also has what I like to call the triple crown of music: great lyrics, great vocals, and it allows you to yell AHAHAHAHA!

#8 - Viva La Vida by Coldplay

Coldplay Viva la Vida ( Official Music Video )
by smallvillejojo974
Say what you want about Coldplay, yes I know that I'm gay for liking this song, but Viva La Vida is truly a fantastic song. It's impossible not to tap your foot to the opening and the line "I know St. Peter won't call my name" is both haunting and awesome, I guess which one depends on the mood you are in.

#7 - Doesn't Remind Me by Audioslave

Audioslave - Doesn't Remind Me
by NedDorsey

What I like best about this song is listening to what lines other people memorize. For me, I always remember "I like hammering nails and speaking in tongues." What doesn't remind you?

#6 - All These Things That I Have Done by The Killers
All These Things That I've Done

Take a second and think about how many times you have sung out, "I got soul but I'm not a soldier." I'm betting it was over 20 times.

#5 - Jesus Etc. by Wilco

Released after 9/11, Jesus Etc. makes numerous references to the tragedy without coming off as insincere and douchy, ala Bruce Springsteen. While the song mentions a great national tragedy it isn't a depressing song and is instead uplifting.

#4 - Seven Nation Army by The White Stripes

Probably the best guitar riff of the decade, Seven Nation Army is also the most covered song from this decade. When college marching bands start incorporating your song into games you know you have a hit.

#3 - Hey Ya by OutKast

Outkast - Hey ya
by chilavert

Hey Ya is probably the most commercially successful song on this list. Unfortunately its commercial success overshadowed some great lyrics. Thankfully Obadiah Parker's awesome acoustic cover saves the day.

#2 - Homecoming by Kanye West (featuring Chris Martin)

HOMECOMING from kwest on Vimeo.

Kanye is the second artist on this list that hails from Chicago (Wilco) and as mentioned in a previous blog post, this song is perfect for any occasion. Homecoming also makes numerous references to Chicago and I'm not gonna lie, I love it. Chris Martin lends his piano playing skills while also singing the chorus. Kanye West + Chris Martin = Crazy Delicious

#1 - Mr. Brightside by the Killers

Watch more Hot Fuss videos on AOL Video

There really wasn't much debate in my mind seeing as how the Killers are my favorite band of the AUTS and this is truly their best/most defining/commercially successful song. The lyrics are deep and cutting but not so depressing that it can't be played at bars or parties. Mr. Brightside encompass everything I want in a song and does so with flying colors.

People Who Shouldn't Be Allowed To Vote

Selena Roberts - Let me first say that I think A-Rod is a huge douche. He is the ultimate primadonna, pun intended, and he is on a Michael Jackson like streak of bad moves. Having said that, Selena Roberts really needs to get a life. It's not like this is Woodward and Bernstein bringing down the President of the United States, Roberts has written a hit piece on one of the already most hated athletes in sports. And she did so with statements and quotes from anonymous sources. I can't wait for Selena Roberts' next groundbreaking book, "Kevin Garnett Can't Read."

Jon Gosselin - Better known as Jon from "Jon and Kate Plus Eight," Jon has apparently been cheating on Kate with a 23 year old substitute teacher. First of all, you have eight kids. Cheating is already morally reprehensible but it is taken to another level when you have 8 kids under the age of 6. I can only think of one instance in which it is ok to cheat and that's if you are married to...

Kate Gosselin - Better known as the OCD, hormone raging biotch Kate from "John and Kate Plus Eight." They might as well call the show "The Emasculation of Jon Gosselin." Kate drops no less than 20 condescending comments an episode while systematically breaking down every fiber of Jon's being. Kate is the definition of a hard C and thus should not be allowed to vote.

The Associated Press - In case you missed it, the AP published a story about Obama and Biden grabbing a burger in DC. When did the AP become TMZ? Between our economy dying, Swine Flu, and war in Pakistan it's not like there isn't a plethora of topics to cover. What's next, asking Biden how many hair plugs he moved from his neck to his head?

If I was John Paxson

Although the Bulls season came to a sad end Saturday night, their future is very bright (cue sunshine lollipops music).

The following is the list of what I would do if I was John Paxson:

- Offer Ben Gordon a 4 year deal for 30 million, knowing the highest you can offer him is 32 million. Gordon has made about 6 million a year the last two seasons so this would be a pretty good raise with some long term security. Anything more than 8 million a year for a guy who scores 25 points a game but gives up 20 points is too much. Now some may think that Gordon can get more than that and I would normally agree with the them. However in this economy there are only four teams that could throw 5 years and 50 million at him and the Lakers, Celtics, Knicks, and Mavericks aren't going to do that.

- With the #16 pick in the draft take BJ Mullens from Ohio St. I wasn't very high on Mullens early in the season but then I read a few stories that said Matta basically went Jerry Sloan on him and he didn't respond well to that. Mullens in my mind is basically a taller, more fluid, and more skilled Aaron Gray.

- With the #26 pick in the draft take Dionte Christmas from Temple. First of all he has an awesome name but more importantly he is a pure shooter with some size. When you have Derrick Rose it's always a good idea to stock up on good perimeter shooters. Christmas is also tall enough that he won't be a defensive liability when he is in the game.

- Give John Salmons an extension that kicks in after the 2010/2011 season for 3 years and 30 million. Besides getting you 18 to 20 a game Salmons can lefitimately guard the elite perimeter players in the NBA. Now he isn't a Bruce Bowen or Ron Artest but he also isn't offensively challenged or a nutcase.

- In the summer of 2010 throw everything you have at Chris Bosh, 6 years for 115 million. Now is Bosh absolutely worth a max offer? No, but you will have to overpay when signing a superstar. Bosh is not one of the top 10 players in the league nor is he capable of carrying a team on his back, but he won't have to on the Bulls. Derrick Rose is the face of the Bulls and will be for quite some time. Only Kobe, Lebron, or D-Wade could come in and steal his thunder right now. Bosh gives you low post scoring along with a very good face up game. Could you imagine Rose running the pick and roll with Bosh? It would be unstoppable.

- If Tyrus Thomas can consistently knock down an 18 footer by the summer of 2011 than I would sign him to a mid level exception otherwise I let him move on.

To summarize, here is what I envision the Bulls roster looking like in 2010:
Starters -
PG Derrick Rose
SG John Salmons
SF Loul Deng
PF Chris Bosh
C Joakim Noah

Bench -
Kirk Hinrich
Ben Gordon
Tyrus Thomas
BJ Mullens

Assuming you sign Gordon for around 8 million a year and Bosh for the max of 19 million a year that would leave the Bulls with a team salary of 70 million. Which is 1.5 million more than it is this year.

2011 and beyond -

- I would trade our 2010 first round pick for a future 2011 pick in order to try and get both Jereme Richmond and Crandall Head.

Random Musings

- "Homecoming" by Kanye West is an awesome song. Say what you will about his love of fish, but the man can make some sweet tunes. This song has been out for a year and a half and its still played at frat parties, bars, jacked up vista cruisers rolling on 20s, and my ipod. "Homecoming" is the vegetable version of the potato.

- Speaking of music, if you get Palladia, an HD only channel, I highly recommend you DVR the MTV Europe Music Awards for three reasons. First Katy Perry is the host. While she is incredibly annoying her rack carries the day. Second, for you Obama lovers out there every other artist either wears an Obama shirt or gives him a shout out. Finally, the production quality of the show is unreal. Every set is imaginative and each performance is truly unique.

- Speaking of Obama, is it resume worthy that I didn't get caught up in the Obama hype? I feel like future employers would like to know that I have vision and don't get caught up in slogans like "Yes We Can."

- Why the hell is Sunday the first day of the week? It doesn't make sense from a work standpoint because Monday is the first day of the work week. It doesn't make sense biblically because on the seventh day God rested. Someone help me out here.

- As mentioned in an earlier Random Musings Windows finally realized that attacking the cost of Apple computers might be a good idea. However, have you ever noticed the girl who is looking for a lap top under $1000 (pictured above)? She is wearing a scarf, black box framed glasses, and she drives a Volkswagen with a flower in a cup holder. This chick is the very definition of an Apple owner.

Friday Potpourri

- GE has figured out a way to store 100 DVD's on a single disc. A porn enthusiast in his college dorm room was quoted as saying "I can finally take my porn everywhere!"

- Mark Cuban has figured out how to fix newspapers. And its actually a pretty good idea.

- Scout.com has just updated their 2010 basketball rankings and Illinois commits Jereme Richmond, Meyers Leonard, and Crandall Head fall in at #6, #29, and #37 respectively.

- "The Ledge." I'm pretty sure there is no way you could ever convince me that is safe.

- An update on the Jewish Jordan:


- This is an older video but I still find it hysterical. Warning NSFW.

Will Arnett - Human Giant SEX TAPE from Will Arnett

That's Politics Bitch

- Arlen Specter is a douche. In case you missed it, Arlen, a five term Republican Senator, switched to the Democratic Party thus putting them one vote away from a filibuster proof majority. Arlen cited "philosophical" differences and that he knew he wouldn't win the Republican primary in 2010. First, you are a 79 year old FIVE TERM Senator. Please don't tell me that now you have philosophical differences. Secondly, you are a whore. Switching political parties just to win a senate seat makes you no better, and truthfully way worse than a hooker turning tricks at night. Just be lucky I didn't vote for you because if I had I would literally pick up a piece of poo that had already come out of your mouth and throw it back in your face.

- I got through the first half of Obama's "press conference" yesterday before I almost punched a hole threw a wall. Real quick though, is it really a press conference when you already have a list of preordained reporters to call on, have talking points on teleprompters, and don't call on Fox News which might actually ask you a tough question? I'll let you decide but I digress. Yesterday a reporter asked Obama about his commencement speech at Notre Dame and how it might anger Catholic voters who disagree with his stance on abortion and his desire to pass the Freedom of Choice Act (the Freedom of Choice Act would abolish all state and local rules regarding abortion, thus allowing children to get an abortion without adult or pediatrician consent). Obama responded that he had been very consistent on his opinion, yada yada yada, but then he said this,

"The reason I'm pro-choice is because I don't think women take that -- that position casually. I think that they struggle with these decisions each and every day. And I think they are in a better position to make these decisions ultimately than members of Congress or a president of the United States, in consultation with their families, with their doctors, with their doctors, with their clergy."

Really you turd? The Freedom of Choice Act allows children to not have to consult with their parents, doctors, or clergymen. When he said this I almost turned into the Hulk last night. Thankfully there wasn't a baby present because I would have punted it.

- I also loved how once again Obama blamed the deficit on Bush. Really Barack? Bush didn't control the budget, Congress did. As a member of the Democrat controlled Senate from 2006 - 2008 you voted for more spending and supported the Bush bailout and even asked that it be made bigger. Read more about it here. But seriously, for how long will Obama blame Bush? I'm guessing he will never stop.

People Who Shouldn't Be Allowed To Vote: Celtics Edition

Kevin Garnett - Besides getting an 11 on his ACT Kevin was also responsible for taking part in a lynching. That's right, a lynching. Anyways, has anyone gone from sentimental favorite to national douche bag quicker than Kevin Garnett? Throw in a vocabulary that consists of the words mother and f$#%&r and Kevin Garnett has instantly become my second most hated player in the NBA. (Eric Gordon being #1)

Kendrick Perkins - When did Kendrick Perkins become Shaquille O'Neal? Check that, even Shaq didn't get away with the crap that Perkins is doing to Noah. Perkins has literally thrown every thing but a Devan Dumes nut punch at Noah yet Noah is the one with a technical foul this series.

Rajon Rondo - The crack staff at DPTOTI has done some investigating of their own and last night Rondo's Escalade does indeed have a "When in doubt punch Brad Miller in the face" bumper sticker.

Paul Pierce - Surpassing Tim Duncan's whinyness ranks up there with Ripken breaking Gehrig's streak. The more I watch Pierce play the more I wish his knife fight wounds were career ending. Note, I didn't say life ending.

THE JET STOLE HOME!

Friday Potpourri

Every Friday the staff of DPTOTI will put together a hodge-podge of
various stories, news, and happenings.

- TMNT live action movie in the works for 2011, care of Scottimus

- Kenny Powers now twitters, and it's hilarious.

- Too soon?


- F$%# the Earth Day (NSFW):


- Best Fight Scene of all time:

People Who Shouldn't Be Allowed To Vote: No Shirt Edition

Guys who run with their shirts off - Not content with everyone seeing them run, these dregs try and draw further attention by running without their shirt on. It's weird to see and extremely uncomfortable if you are standing next to them waiting for the light to change.

Guys who play frisbee on the quad with their shirt off - First of all you are throwing a frisbee. One would think you would only be doing this at night so no one would see you, however these people flaunt their activities openly. If you're going to play frisbee at least wear a shirt.

Singers/rockers who perform without a shirt - I go to my job with a shirt on, I expect the same from you.

Guys who take their shirts off at baseball games - Look, you aren't there to get a tan. Put a shirt on and drink your beer.

Guys who don't wear shirts for pick-up basketball games - It really isn't that hard to remember who is on your team and if you can't remember then maybe you shouldn't be playing basketball. It is also downright filthy having to guard a sweaty shirtless fat guy. That is a far worse fate than waterboarding.

*Acceptable times for men to be shirtless:
- by the beach/lake/pool
- playing bags in the rain wasted at 2:00 am

Songs I Am Digging

The National - Fake Empire


Kings of Leon - Fans


Nick Swardson - Dying (not a song but its hilarious)


Murray Head - One Night in Bangkok