A Gene for All Seasons

The editors of DPTOTI would like to welcome another guest blogger, Jacob.

While now he may be best known as a rising jurist at a prestigious southern university and international advocate for human rights, there was a time when Gene was just another freshman in the dorms at U of I. This was many of ours’ first introduction to Gene: tall, in-shape (!), an insatiable appetite for larger women, and a comically low tolerance for alcohol. Keen historian that I am, I knew that this was a Gene that I had to preserve for future generations. So as I was browsing through my old college files the other week, I came across a collection of quotes that I wrote down freshman year for later amusement. So sit back and crack open a can of 100% genuine cold-filtered Gene:

Gene on cutlery:

“There are people who say you can live without three types of cleavers. I’ve never been one of these people.”

Gene on geography:

“You’re looking at that topographic map of Illinois like most guys look at porn.”

Gene on bowel movements:

“I hate when you take a really watery shit, no matter how hard you wipe, a little always drips out at the end.”

“Dude, can I have the Silly Putty back? I gotta take a shit and I need something to play with.”

Gene on faith:

“If video games were a religion, I’d be the Dalai Lama.”

Gene on video games:

“It’s pretty obvious the makers of the game had a pro-Pikachu agenda from day one.”

Gene on first aid:

“Neosporin is for pussies. Why can’t my white blood cells do the job? I have faith in my boys.”

Gene on family:

“I heard my mom is a demon in the sack.”

“If she weren’t my sister, I’d have to think about it [doing his sister].”

Gene on writing utensils:

“Dr. Grips have really gone downhill in the last few years. Have you guys noticed that?”

Gene on homelessness:

“I wouldn’t really mind being a hobo. As long as I would have food and stuff.”

Gene on public service:

“I kind of want to be President just so I can find out if there are really aliens. The leadership part, whatever.”

Gene on romance:

"Having sex with a fat chick is like an adventure. Is that a vagina or a roll of flab?"