Saturday, March 21, 2009

People Who Shouldn't Be Allowed To Vote: 1st Round Edition



Dino Gaudio - First of all could you have any more vowels in your name? Secondly, nbadraftexpress.com has three of your players going in the lottery and you can't even beat Cleveland St? When did Cleveland become a state or much more importantly become a place of higher learning? Also when you wear your three piece suits I can't decide whether you look more like a mafia member or the most pretentious coach in college basketball...perhaps both?

Oliver Purnell - Like sands through the hour glass so are the days of Clemson completely collapsing after the non conference schedule. I honestly think that the Brits set Big Ben to Clemson's second half collapses.

Demetri McCamey - Your defense is atrocious, that is all.

Thad Matta - I'm still wondering why exactly people think you are a good coach. You can recruit like crazy but then again who can't at O$U. I guess you allow your players to blog but that's about the only positive I can find.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

In Dreams


I have recently been having a lot of dreams that frequently wake me up during the night. Some normal, some not so normal. These got me to thinking that I’d share some of my weirder recent dreams with you and open up the comment section for you to share some of your bizarre dreams with me and the rest of us here at DontPutThatOnTheInternet. I’ll try to keep these short and sweet.

-I dreamt that I was in the finally of the television show Top Chef, competing against Tom Collichio (host) and Richard (past season finalist). We were having the finale competition at the Colosseum in Rome. I was late and my Dad had to drive me there in what I will describe as a midnight lavender old school Cadillac low-rider. I ended up losing the competition. Big surprise, since I never cook anything more complicated than frozen pizza. Sorry to be anticlimactic, but I can’t remember what I made either.

-I dreamt that I was in line to go to the bathroom at a shitty bar. Nowhere in particular, but the bathroom was a one person room with a toilet and urinal. Someone else was pissing at the urinal, so I went to go in the toilet. As I was peeing, I man walked into the bathroom, pulled out a gun, and shot me in the shoulder. As I laid there bleeding to death, the man just stood there a laughed at me. He did not run and did not shoot again. Just remained over my body grinning. The strangest part about the dream was that I could actually feel my life leaving me as I went numb. I shit you not. I died in the dream and did not wake up until (what felt like) much later that night (in a cold sweat hyperventilating). I guess it's only fitting that someone who make countless bathroom humor jokes, meet his demise in one (irony, huh?). That one was real scary.

Alright, well those are just a couple of mine. Feel free to share some of yours.


Until Next Time,
-M-

Friday, March 13, 2009

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

His Royal Frankness

With 5 days until Selection Sunday your editors at DPTOTI will honor a different Fighting Illini legend each day.

Today we begin with Frank Williams, enjoy.







Women and Why They All Secretly Hate Each Other



While listening to Adam Carolla's podcast, this author highly recommends it, Adam Carolla and Bill Simmons recently discussed the theory that all women secretly hate each other. I couldn't agree with them more and will now take the time to expound on their theory and add my own pithy thoughts.

I understand

The example Carolla and Simmons used to support their theory was what would happen if five girls planned a lunch and only four showed up? The obvious answer is that the four girls would spend the entire time ripping the girl who didn't show. This situation reaches DEFCON 1 if the other women find out they were ditched for a man.

Now if the same situation happened to me or other guys we might be a little perturbed. However, guys are generally supportive in their fellow man's quest for the nookie. If your single friend is with a single girl and there is some alcohol involved then his hands are tied.

Get Out!

This all segways very nicely into another explanation for why women secretly hate each other: women loose their minds if a friend hooks up with a guy they consider out of her league. The reason behind this is that for the most part men start relationships and women in turn decided to judge themselves by this.

You are now wondering, what about women who start relationships? Eons ago, women decided that they would label these aggressive women as whores, desperate, and skanky. Thus few women will try and start a relationship and if she does she faces condemnation from her entire race.

Men, on the other hand, are extremely supportive of their fellow man hooking up with a hottie. The main reason being that it gives them hope to land a future hottie and it also brings all of said hottie's friends into play. A good analogy would be that men view the guy who lands a mega hottie the way history views Columbus. Of course history views Columbus as a courageous adventurer who scored some hot exotic booty.

It's Too Late To Apologize

Another reason why women secretly hate each other is that they never fully apologize. And because I have never heard a woman apologize fully nor have I heard an apology been fully accepted. More often than not girls who are fighting/disagreeing simply ignore each other. We men can learn or thing or two from women and their deployment of the cold shoulder.

Apologizing isn't the only hurdle that women face in the struggle to not hating each other. Women have little to no competitive outlets. Men play sports, watch sports, and play video games daily and usually at very competitive levels. These activities allow for the release of pent up anger and allow us to move on from past issues.

Women on the other hand, exercise, watch Sex in the City, and Gossip Girl. Only exercising helps release frustrations and only does so mildly. Gossipy shows and TLC do nothing to help relieve stress. In fact I would say they only increase stress by depicting bitchy women and back stabbing guys.

And how does that make you feel?

It is my personal opinion that unless women learn to apologize and relieve their stress through some sort of physical or emotional means they will continue on their destructive path to irrelevance or worse extinction.

So if you or someone you know is a woman, please sit them down let them know its ok to apologize and recommend that they join their local boxing club.

Big Ten Tournament Predictions


Nuff said.
-M-

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Oops I Crapped My Pants

George Howard Brett, former third baseman for the Kansas City Royals, holds the record for the most hits by any third baseman in major league history with 3,154 (ranking him 15th all-time). Brett is one of four players in MLB history to accumulate 3,000 hits, 300 home runs, and a career .300 batting average. He also has trouble controlling his bowel movements.



Maybe he could use a product to help him in this situation...

Thursday, March 5, 2009

In case you missed it...



You're Fucking Out, I'm Fucking In

In case you missed it, the new HBO comedy 'Eastbound and Down' is dumping on the competition. If you haven't heard of it or seen it yet, then you need to get out from under the rock you live beneath and pull your life together. Seriously. While there are only about 3 more episodes for this season, it's still worth the invested time. The recorded motivational speeches by Kenny Powers alone are worth it.

Roboflop

In case you missed it, you're lucky. This movie sucked royal balls. I stayed up until 1am last night watching this steaming pile of a movie because I had to see just how much shittier it could get. And I was surely not disappointed (and don't call me Shirley). For shame Rotten Tomatoes for giving this movie an 85%. More unforgivable than your 62% for 'Spiderman 3', which sucked worse than Jimmy Fallon's interview with Robert De Niro.

Women's Reserved Court

In case you missed it, Tom and I suffered the shame and embarrassment of segregation the other day at our local recreational center. We were waiting in line patiently for a "pick-up" basketball game on the only court available (the rest were being used for intramurals). As we waited, a large group of women made their way to the court we were waiting at and told us that "this court was the Women's Reserved Court". We looked around for the Men's Reserved Court, but it was nowhere to be found. I've never felt more violated in my life. I mean, the way those women spoke to us...as if we weren’t even their equals. Just the thought of trying to get into another pick-up game now makes me shake.

Baseball

In case you missed it, Spring 'league/training/whatever the fuck you bitches who like baseball call it' is back. This happens to me every year. I get lulled into a place of peace in my life, where baseball is in the offseason and thus ceases to exist to me. Then...BAM! Every damn sports related channel is coving Spring league and trades and gay ass books by douchy managers. You may ask, "Why don't you just change the channel and watch something else?" Well, I can't. Because for some reason, the majority of dumbass Americans decided that baseball was "America's past-time", and that regardless of how badly it makes you want to hammer a nail through your temple, we're going to show games 9 months out of the year (probably more; I can't keep track anymore). I guess I'll have to just look forward to 9 or so months from now, when I'll be able to forget all over again that this horrible horrible "sport" exists.

Until Next Time,
-M-