Kid Rock: America’s confusing infatuation with talentless trash

Everyone knows that I am passionate about music. I’m always eager to participate in any music fueled discussion; I’m full of opinions and have been known to crash the WPGU radio station during the late-night hours under the alias Figalicious Def or DJ Figtree. Regardless, many of my proclamations are disputed and instigate friendly banter. This, however, is one of the rare musical decrees that is unchallengeable, something that everyone readily accepts and embraces. Kid Rock is simply the proverbial trash of the music society. Any of his musical accolades are unfounded and without merit.

1. He bastardizes music

Last week I was driving in my car and flipping through the radio. In a rare moment of listening to 101.9, I heard Kid Rock’s new single All Summer Long. The song is fueled by samplings from Warren Zevon’s classic Werewolves of London and Skynyrd’s southern-rock staple Sweet Home Alabama. Upon hearing the opening beats of All Summer Long, I gave Rock the benefit of the doubt and assumed he was covering Werewolves and offering up a more contemporary take on a modern classic. After listening to 30 seconds of Rock’s cliché narrative discussing puberty, simpler times (read: lack of internet) and lake-side lovin’, I knew my ambitious expectation of a crafty cover was a disappointing assumption. What irritates me most about this is that Rock is unabashedly riding the coattails of established and celebrated musicians. The overwhelming majority of people who listen to Kid Rock’s “music” will recognize the song’s catchy back beats as Rock’s own handy work, much like people crediting The Ataris with Don Henley’s hit Boys of Summer. God forbid 10 years from now, Fitzgerald turns on Werewolves in London at a corporate party (which is a given) and someone jumps up and says “OMG I LOVE THIS SONG,” only to slump back into their seat when they realize it’s not the Kid Rock trash of 2008. All I’m asking for is society to have an understanding of context and to pay respect where it is deserved.

2. He has no sex appeal

How does someone with no sex appeal land (and marry) Pamela Anderson you ask? Well, for starters, she’s tainted goods and probably carries a handful of STD’s. I’m sure Pamela was so annoyed with each and every male partner’s request to use an oral latex barrier when kissing that she decided to lower her standards until she found a partner who had the same cocktail of critters infesting their privates, which just so happened to be Kid Rock. Not to mention, a few months earlier she divorced Tommy Lee and was looking for someone “a few spots lower on the totem pole” to worship the tissue she used to wipe her ass. Kid Rock is slimy, gross and probably smells like a truck stop bathroom, not to mention he also has a sex tape that co-stars Scott Stapp (lead singer of Creed anyone?). Anyone who considers him “eye candy,” or even remotely attractive for that matter, needs to reevaluate their life.

3. His fan core is confused and needs guidance

True story: I was at a local establishment with a few friends enjoying a typical Friday night when some guy starts pumping quarters into the jukebox. After a quick song selection, the j-crewed behemoth struts over to a table of two girls and flips his collar skyward. Almost on cue, Rock’s early single Cowboy comes over the speakers and the guy goes berserk. He starts rapping and dancing inches from the girls’ faces with movements and expressions that look straight out of a primordial mating ritual. Despite persistent looks of disinterest from the girls, not to mention the clearly audible laughter from onlookers, the guy presses on and continues his act for another minute until the girls leave. I’m not asking Rock to be a role model, as that would be the end of society. It’s just that, it isn’t every day an artist comes along and immediately bonds with the socially retarded. Rock has managed to reach a group that before could only be touched by Fred Durst and Limp Bizkit. With Durst and his band no more, Rock must soldier on and single handedly carry the rap-rock-douchebag torch. Rock’s ability to identify with this crowd is an incredibly rare and powerful achievement, and as we all know, with great power comes great responsibility.

4. He has no musical talent

All of our parents have at one point said something to the effect of “try, try again” and the old, timeless mantra “practice makes perfect.” Rocks parents obviously forgot the latter, as he is listed as spanning no less than four musical genres and eight musical instruments, none of which he appears to be even remotely accomplished in. I’ve obviously already driven home this point, but feel free to reread my first bullet. On a totally unrelated note, did I mention he was arrested for involvement in a brawl at a Waffle House?

5. His career is sustained by cameos

In my opinion, the pinnacle of Kid Rock’s career was his cameo on Run’s House, a TV show following rapper Rev Run and the everyday happenings of his family. There really isn’t much here, other than Rock wears an “I love Black People t-shirt” to a Hooters while accompanying Rev Run and his Family (who are Black) and later purchases a Les Paul guitar ($$$$) for Russy, Rev’s youngest son, who is 10 years old, tops. Don’t think I’m forgetting his breakout performance in Joe Dirt. Ever notice how Rock is the only one not wearing a costume? Great to see Rock remaining active in between albums, must be an easy life when musical crap is your golden ticket.

Guest Blogger - Mark Figura